Akwardness...

So, I've never been adept at ritualistic male greetings involving contact. I can wave, grunt, shrug and salute with the best of them, but if I need to actually touch the person all bets are off. A high five is a very simple concept, involving a hand (five fingers) and the shoulder height slapping of hands (the 'high' portion). Now though, people don't just 'high five'. No, it involves slapping, punching, slidding and a good bit of breakdance thrown in for good measure. If there was a set pattern, even one that alternated on odd days or changed by the phase of the moon, I might be willing to make an effort to learn and repeat the ritual. But there is no pattern! Every guy has his very own "slap, punch, slide' combo which I can't keep track of. No matter how well I know the guy, I always come off as the country cousin who stared at the sun for an hour too many a couple years ago. My timing is always off, I slap when I should punch, and heck, half the time I'm using the wrong hand and fail to even make contact! And don't even get me started on hugging. I always wind up arms around some guys neck, or with his cheek on my head! I avoid hugging other men like quakers avoid the draft! There's an intrinsic urge to avoid contact of a physical nature with men that is present in all men. Some learn to accept this while others look to create a go-around. Hence the violence usually associated with physical greetings. And I'm sure this is mostly an American thing, judging by how many other nations and cultures offer up a cheek for the smooching at the drop of a hat. Can you imagine American guys kissing each other? Good grief, there'd be blood and scars and mouth guards! An entire industry would emerge to equip men with the 'protection' they needed to kiss each other and remain unscathed. Depending on which state you lived in, tounge may or may not be acceptable. Everyone would have a bottle of mouthwash around their neck, on one of those ubiquitous key lanyards from their favorite radio station. So, all of this is really just a drawn out way of saying thank you to my friends. The good ones. The ones with whom I have an understanding. These are the people who I will nod to and occasionally give a firm handshake to. Nothing more is needed. I appreciate this. You're good people.